June 25, 2014

Half-Yearly Promises

I push people away when I feel like I'm getting too close to them.

I'm sure most of us do it.
But I'm at a stage in my life where I cannot afford to anymore. I cannot afford to do it anymore because not only are these people who love and care for me, but people I'm truly in love with. The people who bring stability in my life. The people who tolerate me in a grand fashion. The people I can truly be myself with. (And trust me, "myself" is as weird as it gets.)

I don't know why I do what I do, but I think my annoying phobia of intimacy and scarred past experiences have something to do with it. I used to get too close to people and then let it destroy me. I trust openly and give freely only to realise that some people value neither. I've been burned one too many an occasion, and now fear to open up. And in the process end up abandoning the ones who are different and want nothing but love from me.
I know that if I don't change this habit and respective situation, I will not only lose some of my closest, most dearest friends and family, but also the love of my life. I've now understood that when you love someone, and they've proven their loyalty to you, you reel them in with your compassion. You keep them close. You don't need to be selective about sharing your thoughts or feelings with them, because they're the only people who will care to help and hear you out. I've realised that pushing people away will be my loss.

I need to be braver and not give into fear.
I need to stop harnessing so much control over things that cannot be controlled.
I need to learn to be more carefree and spontaneous.
I need to learn to trust the people who love me.

To all my loves.
I'm sorry if I seem aloof.
Please know that I never mean to isolate you. You are my home.
I love you, and I'm sorry I'm not easy to love and be around.
I'm sorry I go into an awkward and, what may seem as, an arrogant self-absorbed shell. I'm only a mildly confused soul, who is often directionless and lost.

This is all going to change for the better very soon. (You'll see...)

1 comment:

Renu said...

Sweetheart! That's a beautiful reflection. Been waiting for you to find that Compassion ...it runs deep! Welcome. Love n Hugs.