May 4, 2014

Eleutheria






Have you noticed how once you cross that threshold of twenty-five you suddenly find yourself surrounded by couples? Whether they're married, engaged or dating, for some reason you begin to hear constantly that one can't be truly happy unless they are in a relationship. 
Never mind if the relationship is toxic as all hell and doomed to failure, as long as you're stuck to each other morphing into one big couple-y blob, everyone is happy enough to include you in their plans and not judge. But God forbid you're single in your mid/late twenties! You have a sudden swarm of couples desperately trying to set you up with a poor somebody just so you can participate in social norms like double dates, brunches and wine tasting expeditions. 
Worse off, is when you've broken up and are still trying to be normal, the sympathetic nods and the I'm-here-whenever-you're-ready-to-talk hand squeezes just becomes depressing.

I agree, some people are extremely lucky to find perfectly compatible partners early on in life. It's like their lives are beautifully orchestrated, where everything falls into a timeline, making you just a blip on the radar of your own grey existence. How positively nauseating! And then there are others who hold on, even when the fire dies, to make it work, because they convince themselves that old-school values mean fixing things that are broken and not discarding it. 

I am different. I want nothing less than incredibly mad love. 
I want ridiculous love. The kind that you've only read about, or seen as a visual representation somewhere. The love that makes you burn! Where declarations are written in invisible neon ink, carried by the wind! Hearts drawn on walls and books and body parts.
Love that makes you feel so alive, you want to scream out names, and donate blinding smiles! The kind that drives me into a frenzy of inspiration, every single day, to live life with irrevocable and unapologetic passion! You feel safe and loved and desired. You feel like a better person each day. You feel new, and somehow old at the same time, because it feels like you've been with them forever. Life is beautiful when they are around. You are deliriously happy, and you don't even know why. Metaphorical fires and ice cold shivers! Delicious mutual affection that you can taste in your mouth.

And I refuse, kindly, to settle for anything less. 
I don't want "This is the best you'll get, Arch" love. 
I don't want "I like you, but I'm not in love with you" love.
I don't want to settle.
I don't want "I don't know what I want right now, but I'll always love you" love.
I don't want "If I can't have you, nobody can" love.
I don't want ultimatums.
I don't want "Your life isn't a movie, this is real life" love.
I don't want "No man is perfect, you have to make him perfect" love. 
I don't want leftovers.
I don't want "Let's not tell anyone we're dating or they'll judge us" love.
I don't want "Do as I say, and I'll love you" love.  
I don't want "We've dated for years, what else is left for us to do but get married" love. 
I don't want apathy.

So, don't feel sorry for me, darlings. 
I am single by choice. I'm a stubborn wretch like that. 
After being in a decade long relationship spiral, I have decided to date the person I've been mad about all along. Me. 
For my sanity and happiness, I will hold out for the madness that another wants to contribute. Until I'm ready to share myself with someone who is absolutely worthy. For now, I want me all to myself. Call me selfish.

I say to you... Define your own happiness. Find your spectacularly spectacular happy place and be selective when sharing it. If people judge you based on your age, relationship status or decide to lecture you on "age appropriate decisions", disagree with them politely and walk away, smiling. 
Always know that if you need saving, turn to your brave self. 
I needed a hero, so I became one. 
Hot pink cape and all. ;) 

8 comments:

Sindhu Sreenath said...

Love the write up babe. Can resonate with every word there. And yes while love can fulfill you in ways, there is nothing you can achieve without appreciating and loving yourself first. So ya date thyself if there ain't the best to at the moment!

Rao said...

There are million thoughts running on my mind when I read this. Every single time. Would you be okay giving me your mail id or some way to connect with you, so I could share/discuss them ? Don't feel like spamming this pretty looking blog

-Hugs
Sindhu Rao K S

Unknown said...

Beautifully written :) Absolutely resonate with every word. Just had to tell you how brillinat it is! A friend shared it and am grateful she did :)Cheers!

Aradhana

Velvetta said...

Thank you so much, ladies! Your comments overwhelm me and bring me much gladness!
If you'd like to connect, this is my email. archiekinz@gmail.com
My love to you. x
Velvetta

Velvetta said...

Ps* Feel free to share this with whomever you think needs it. We could all do with some support. :)

Rao said...

Dropped in a mail :)

-Sindhu

ankhi roy said...

hi,

Well written aah!!! the feel of being bold and independent women

protophile said...

Well written as usual Arch, I have been fighting to remove mediocrity from my life, struggling to find the strength to hold out, and work for true greatness, real passion and mad mad mad love.

I am going to do what I always do when I can't be eloquent enough...and steal a quote that perfectly captures the feeling I'm left with after reading your blog :)

'They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars
and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes
"Awww!"'" - Excerpt from On the road by Jack Kerouac