March 23, 2011

X and Why

Dear, Mr. X


So long, I have yearned for you. Bled and died a hundred deaths for you. In my head, I've already had you. Loved you and our baby. I've sung the duets we wrote, nurtured the seed we planted, kept the letters you wrote, built the dreams you invented, carried your burdens and mine, garnered strength in our troubled times, saw colour when all was grey, banished the rain away! Sheltered your insecurities, reveled in your pride, melted in your passion... 


Today I woke up, and found you gone. Not just in the physical realm, but spiritually, too. No longer will I hear your goofy voice, teasing me over the phone. Nor will I see you waiting at the stairs for me, with that look in your eyes. I won't see you sneakily holding my hand in public, and I won't feel those warm fingers through my hair. Not one smile. Not one yell. Not one tear. Not even a kiss goodbye. 


Wait, who am I kidding? Of course I see you. I see you everywhere I go! 
In those streets we once walked on, charting our life together. That car you taught me to drive, commanding me all the way. That restaurant that we never got sick of. That bar that was always close to home. And the house... where everything from love to newborn ideas were made, and cherished. Our home. Those walls you punched in anger. The bed we never made. The kitchen that led to hours of laughter... and the couch where no pillow was ever missed. 


I vow to be strong. Like I have been in the past. But heartbreak never brings with it courage. No, they never were compatible. Aine comes to me. She sobs quietly, asking when I'd take her back. "Soon, my darling. Soon you'll be mine." Puzzled, she gazes at me with her honey brown eyes-- Your honey brown eyes. I cringe and force a smile, take her by the hand and hold her to me. Soft curls against my chin, one tender cheek on my heart, her delicate arms clutched to my sides. "Don't leave me, baby girl," I whisper, only for my ears. "Not again." 


I wrench her from her grasp. "Is it time for you to go?", she asks.
I nod, inches from choking back tears and say, "Yes, Ma has to go now, but I will be back soon, okay?"
"I'll miss you," she says, with overwhelming innocence. 
Fighting back the urge to grab her and take her forever with me, I turn away before she can see me cry. "Be strong, Ana. Be strong for your baby." 
Hot tears sting my eyes.


And I leave her there. 
And knew I was never going back... 


Ana

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

:'(

Nikita said...

Awww....

hugs....

Anonymous said...

Emotions :(

Fat Pony said...

Thank you for your comments, guys.
Nikita - Hugs!
Anonymous People - I'd love if you guys leave your names next time. :)

Anonymous said...

:'( was Niam !

Anonymous said...

I love it !

Thomas

pure said...

i like the first 4 stanzas
but what is that last stanza about

why can't you go back?

Biswarup said...

nice. goosebumpy. sounds a bit like anais nin.

biswarup.

Anoop said...

:(

Fat Pony said...

Thank you all! So much. :)

Vimal: Some things are irrevocable. It costs you a lifetime.