December 22, 2008

Year End Musing.

I hate talking about my feelings.
I hate talking about my 'relationship'.
I know I'm a chick and chicks are supposed to be all emotional, but I'm not. I don't like it one bit. I particularly don't like asking a guy where the relationship is going or how he feels about me. Ew. It should be natural and easy and obvious.
So, I guess if I have to start thinking, planning and devising all sorts of ways to find out what kind of situation I'm in, I'm probably not in that good a situation. Shit.

But wait. Starting a new relationship is terrifying! We are all old enough to have experienced or witnessed that triage of broken romance. We know that if there has been a beginning to a relationship, there has been (if we are still out there dating) an end to the relationship. And the endings always suck. 

So of course people, women included, will create all sorts of tricks and diversions and distractions to try to not notice that we might in fact be getting into a relationship. That just seems like a very crafty and understandable aspect to human nature. So what if in the beginning or a while into it, it's a little vague? Who wants to be that crazy girl who needs to know exactly what is going on the minute she meets a guy? You want to be the cool girl - the girl who knows how to hang out and not be all demanding. That's who I always wanted to be. That's who I always was.
The thing about that cool girl is that she still gets her feelings hurt. She still has reactions to how she's being treated. She still hopes he'll call, wonders when she'll get to see him again, and if he's excited about being with her. I hate that.

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear un-involved. I WANT to be involved. I WANT to be with someone I know I'll see again because they have already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable and into me!

Sure, in the beginning you have to be somewhat cautious about how much you give away. But that caution shouldn't be to make them feel more comfortable; it should be because you know that you are ultimately a delicate, valuable creature who should be careful and discerning about who gets your affection.

That's what I'm doing right now.
And it's not going so badly.

-He's Just Not That Into You


Anonymous said...

Since the "in-between-lines" is for us to read, I am guessing u've had a rough last few months..or a less favorable time...which has led to this latest blog. It also explains your yr long hiatus from blogging.
If i'm right, then do not worry, cos come the turn of the yr, things will look up :)
Either ways , nice blog (as usual)

P.S.: listen to DMB live @ Folsom Field (Big Eyed Fish)


Fat Pony said...

You are kind. :)

All year long, I've been introspecting. I couldn't understand why I had this block.

And it finally hit me! There was no medium of inspiration! No love. Or dislike. Or anger. Or fear.
It's like I stopped emoting.

Until recently... when a WHOLE whirlpool of emotions washed over me. In one sitting! And I just turned over a new leaf. *laughs*
It sounds so stupid and sensible at the same time.

I'd be lying if I said that I was totally up and okay.
The truth is, I'm not.

I hope I will be though. :)

Ps* I've been listening to 'Is this Love by Whitesnake'... over and over and over and over...
Bloody hell!


Anonymous said...

Things would perhaps seem less miserable if you stopped sulking about the past.. easier said than done though..
And yeah, listening to 'Is this Love' certainly doesn't help.

P.S. Dear God by XTC


Fat Pony said...

Ah. How you slap me back to reality! :)

Anonymous said...

Have u changed your genre of music or still stuck with 'Is this Love'


Fat Pony said...

Haha! I've moved onto some Ibiza Lounge.
How I long to be in Cafe Del Mar!

Anonymous said...

gud stuff... real gud stuff... waiting for ur nxt blog!!!

Akku said...

I read this before when it didn't apply.. and now I'm reading this when it IS relevant to my life. And you stole my words and thoughts archie, I couldnt agree more .. :)


Fat Pony said...

Awww! I hope you're okay.
Here's a nice tight hug for you! *HUG*

- A

pure said...

honest is always nice.

Karan said...

When the person is right, i think that it is okay to let go of your inhibitions and trust.

'Sure, in the beginning you have to be somewhat cautious about how much you give away.' I'm in 100% agreement with that.

Great post Archie. :) You have a way with words that very few do. :)