December 23, 2006

3 am...

Anybody who's on my MSN will know that I'm a self certified insomniac! And its during the early hours of dawn that thoughts flood my head, bringing back painful memories, reminding me of the horrors of 'what could've been', what the future holds and how I've lost out on so much. Nothing aches my heart more than having so many things bottled up inside and having nobody to confide in at that moment.
Last night, one extremely painful memory of a boy I was madly in love with, hit me with the force of a gushing tidal wave. Why did he leave me here? What did I do wrong? Who is the perfect girl he's holding right now? How could I have let him slip away so easily? Was I too uptight? Or too laidback? Didn't I wear my hair the right way? Or didn't I call him when he needed me most? Tears freely poured down my cheek in what seemed to be a slow motion embarrassing emotional trackback. One that I couldn't control.
I think of the times we've spent; All the walks to the park, watching children play and wondering if maybe someday we'd be lucky, the quiet nights at home watching 'City Of Angels', 'Sleepless in Seattle' and endless episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the noisy clubs and bars we loved so much, dancing till we complained of aching ankles; and not to forget breakfast every Sunday morning! Birthday surprises; even the numerous parties we'd been to would be so intimate: he'd be with the boys, while I would listen to my girls gossip (about who made out with whom, where, yada yada) and every once in a while our eyes would meet across the crowded room... and there he'd be flashing his famous smile! As if to say, " I have my eyes on you, baby." All the nicknames he's had for me 'babykins' 'boo boo' 'bunny love' still ring in my ears whenever I get the chance to pass by the house where we made a million memories. And I still look for him, hoping to fall in love again.
With more tears ungracefully falling in a pool... I sit here thinking of his warmth, his honey coloured eyes that lit up every time he smiled, the way he would apologise, his kisses that could lift me off effortlessly, yet keep me firmly planted on the ground emphasizing how much I wanted to stay. I think of the ways he could comfort me, like nobody else. The time when he bought me 1683 roses before he left, to tell me that he thought of me and was incredibly in love every day that we were together. All the football games, the pigging out on KFC and chocolate mousse, the hilarious jokes about mallus (no offence, you guys!), the scrabble competitions, library madness (still remember 'The Inscrutable Americans!'), Goa!, grocery shopping (haha), bad hair days, gym endeavours!, puppy walking, cracking up about brassiere sizes and stealing road block cones!, boys poker night and how he sneaked me in a million times!
I could go on... but it will make my futile efforts of forgetting and letting go harder than before. I think I'll bask in the stale happiness of these memories and wonder if ever there will be the day when he does come home to me... And sweep me off my feet again.

10 comments:

the 'wazzaaaaaaaaaaaaa' boy said...

oh my god! that was SO well written!!!...i thought you portrayed your feelings brilliantly...this dude sure did miss something! :)

i wish you find him or similarrrrr feelings soon :)

Sahil Jatana said...

i know what u are talking about here! it really touches deep down coz its come from within! things are hard and difficult but as they say there is a dawn after every dusk, so it will be with you too!!! cheers!

the stygian sailor said...

http://www.eecg.toronto.edu/~flouris/docs/baudelaire1.html
check that out its the panacea

the guy who lost it all said...

i wish u get with him !

DDey said...

Very nice.

cunfusion & marmalade said...

everyone seems so bent on u...the bloody guy deserves an award!! 1683 roses isnt the deal its the poker night that i'm talkin bout !!

Piki said...

brilliant post!i go thru the same shit every nite...men!

Fat Pony said...

:) Im Overwhelmed.

Anonymous said...

Nicely written. I am pretty sure u would have realized by now that
"Love is not love which alters when
it alteration finds"

A lie is a lie no matter how u try to justify it.

pure said...

:-( sigh

I would say be thankful it happened

"1683 roses before he left"
Made for each other, eh. Crazy.